Sunday, January 4, 2009

New Start

"Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin."
- Grace Hansen

John and i have separated, at first i thought that my life was ending. Here i have been on his side for over 3 years. I supported him through everything from Jail to court dates, to starting up a new company. I love him and who he was, i loved his kids, and took care of them and was there for them through so much. The boys called me "Mommie" for the reason that i cannot explain on here. John decided to make the decision all on his own to just walk away and drop everything. My first thoughts were disappointment and anger, how could he have the right to make that decision and not try at all. The point of marriage is to work throught the hard times and fight for it, because you made that commitment and promise to eachother when you said I DO. I fought hard for John and i. I planned counseling, and date nights. John just completely shut himself off to me. I am not blogging all this to disrepect him, but this is my healing and my blog. Why should i feel bad when he is the one that left me?

I feel so bad for the children, as i grew up in a broken home i remember who everyone dated on both sides. Its not fun. I love my mom and dad as they have made me who i am today. People think that divorcing and or breaking up with everyone in there lives doesnt hurt the children...WRONG. This will hurt the children forever. Yes they may grow up and never speak of it but trust me i know what it will be like. A stable home is #1 keypoint to have in a childs life, and unfortunately some children will never recieve that. I have my thoughts and views on certain parenting and certain lifestyles and i am beyond strong about the children that were in my life that John so easily swipped away from me.

I personally feel that what john is going through isnt me at all but this all started when he signed the papers for the boys to move to Utah. That is when we went down hill. Then came the business then came me. I was about to move to Wyoming to have family in my life but then Johns sister Jenny pointed something out to me that i am going through everyday. I dont know what is going to happen with John and i, but i have never lived on my own. I have always been co dependent and that is about to change. I live in my own apartment in Mesa arizona, a mile away from my work. I will be saving up for a car, since i got screwed out of that deal.

I am here now for me. I cannot change what has already happened i can only change what will happen in my future. I am here to grow for me not him. This is a fight i have to go through on a day by day basis. This is the hardest thing i have to do. I have learned who my real friends are. Johns friends, are very conditional and i am glad to be out of that mess. I love John with all my heart and would do anything for him, but when he walked away from me he walked away from true happiness. Obviously he is not willing to grow and fight.

I have included the quote up top cause it made me realize that John did hold me back from many parts of my life. Which isnt 100% his fault but mine as well. My new blogging from here on out is going to be me on a day basis and what i am feeling at that time. I love the Hansen Family and thank them for being there for me in the past. Jenny you are my savior and mom, your the best.

I am ready for this rollar coaster and hope that This blog doesnt offend but opens peoples eyes to what really is important in life.


✩Molly✩ said...

I know we never knew each other very well, met once or twice at things for the kids, but I am sorry for what you are going through, and can Imagine how hard it would be. I hope you dont mind if I still read your blog. I wish you all of the best with your trials, and growth.

mom said...

tasha, i am so proud of are a strong woman inside and i know you will learn so very much from all of this. i would have wished only happiness in life, but then where would learning and growth come from? strength comes and builds in time like these. this is why god allows these things for us. to help us grow. i am there with you as always...and im on your side. i love you with all my heart.

Liz said...
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mommymon said...

Tatiana I am so proud of you girl! You will be so strong from all this! You always have a friend in Joe and I! Love you!