Hard To Accept

I can't even describe how i am feeling since i found out that Ryan died....im hurt by the choice he made...im mad for the choice he made...and im lost and feeling guilt. I am sure you are asking why am i feeling this way....who is Ryan.....

 That is Ryan....On April 5th he decided to leave this world. Ryan and i had a different kind of relationship. We were first friends then decided to take that step and be in a relationship. He was so funny and knew how to make you feel good about yourself. A huge memory that stands out...is him laying his head on my lap crying saying he wants to start up a new life in SoCal....what a little beach boy he was! Ryan and i just couldn't make it work and decided that we were better friends. He moved up to Colorado after he and i broke up and we kept in contact EVERYDAY through phone, text and facebook....Ryan knew he could talk to me and me not judge him. I must say that April 5 the my world fell apart. Thinking back of the last text he sent me..."I love you so much and miss you more than you know...your my best friend in life".

This post is my way of taking steps to healing. Ryan will be missed and never forgotten. I know he is by my side and will be guiding me on some guy choices...as he always had an opinion  LOL!!! This is my letter for Ryan:

Ryan,

I sit here in tears writing this post knowing that you left us as you just couldn't take it anymore. You were such an awesome friend and inspiration. You have touched so many people lives. I truly feel that you were put here on this earth to make us all rethink on how we are living our lives. I know personally that i want to not waste any day....i want to live my life to its fullest extent. You have made me realize that i am a beautiful person inside and out! Thank you so much Ryan....we shared so many jokes and laughs it was crazy....you totally sucked at beer pong but that is ok.....you smudged my pink helmet and have officially hung your up.....this isn't the last time you will hear from me in my posts....im sure i will have a memory that will come up...and not to mention you will be seeing my tattooed beauty in heaven one day...You are my angel and i love you with all my heart. Please watch over your daughter and hold her hand through the tough moments in her future. And when i get up there i finally want to take a ride on that green chopper that we looked at....i know they got a faster and cooler one up there. You will forever have a spot in my heart. Miss you sweety RIP

R.I.P.

Ryan Barber

March 2, 1986 - April 5th, 2010